Coaching 101: Hold the Mirror Steady

Offer a clear reflection so the speaker can better see their challenge.

Hold the Mirror Steady

Reflection can mean “a review and re-examination of something” or “giving something serious thought and consideration”. In coaching, it means both.

Coaches use a reflection to get to the heart of the speaker’s words, anchoring their conversation in a common understanding of the challenge. As you craft a reflection to offer back to the speaker, consider what stands out to you above all the details. Look for broader themes in their words and identify connections. Then put these pieces together to create a clear picture for the speaker to consider.

Craft a Clear Reflection

Clarity is the primary purpose of a coach’s reflection. You’ll find that your coaching will come more organically and authentically when there is clarity around the speaker’s challenge. If you’re not sure what the speaker is talking about - and in some cases, they might not know either - then no one is going anywhere and you’ll both get frustrated. Creating clarity is essential at the start of any coaching conversation. A reflection isn’t intended to replicate what the speaker said. It refines the speaker’s words down to their essence. As you listen intently, note a few key points you want to include in your reflection. If you include too many themes or ideas, your reflection will lose focus.

Imagine you are sitting at a table and the person across from you is continually handing you playing cards. You can only hold a few cards in your hand comfortably before you have to start sorting and shuffling them around, losing sight of the important ones. It’s the same with coaching. As the speaker continues to share thoughts and ideas, your job is to coalesce them into a few key themes, getting more and more clear as you continue your conversation until you both know exactly what is at the heart of the issues. Just as you'd select the most valuable cards to keep in hand, you select the most valuable themes to reflect back.

Focus Your Words

At first, incorporating reflection into your coaching practice can come across a bit stiff or formulaic. A novice coach typically offers a reflection that sounds something like, “So what I’m hearing you say is…” until they develop a better sense of their coaching style. As you begin to work on your reflections, anticipate that you will come across challenges along the way.

• Use feedback to make your reflection more effective.

  Take note of any feedback you get to help improve your reflection. Sometimes the speaker will say your reflection is crystal clear, and other times they will tell you it’s glaringly off base. Either way, that’s helpful feedback so you can be intentional with your words. Coaching is a series of progressive steps that build from constructive momentum. Momentum comes from clarity.

• Seek clarity if you don’t know where to begin.

  Some speakers come to you in a frazzled state. They start talking about challenges at work, but that quickly shifts into past family drama, and the next thing you know you’re hearing all about a beloved pet who needs serious medical attention. For an overwhelmed or exasperated speaker, you might pair your reflection with a clarifying question, such as “You seem to have several pressing challenges competing for your attention right now. When you consider some of the thoughts you just shared, where might you like to focus your energy in this moment?”

• Lean on your pausing skills if the speaker needs space.

  Sometimes all the speaker needs is a long, steady pause in the conversation. There are moments when my reflection only comes from my facial expressions because the other person has so many words that come pouring out at once. In these moments, taking a deep breath yourself and responding with visual empathy helps the speaker settle in their own skin. Give the speaker protected space to catch their breath and reconsider their thoughts. Often, they’ll start over again, but even though their response includes many of the same issues they just shared, this time their words have more focus. Whatever gets repeated offers an insight into where to start your reflection.

Listen - Pause - Reflect

Sometimes these three skills are all I need to be an effective coach. I listen to someone’s challenge, hold space for their thinking, and reflect their words back to them. This is what colleagues and clients ask me for time and time again - clarity.

Remember, you’re on a journey alongside the speaker, so you aren’t in charge of getting to the destination. Your role is to help the speaker get a strong sense of where they are heading - and a clear reflection is essential when getting to the heart of a challenge.

A Takeaway Question

What will you keep in mind to help you hold the mirror steady during your next coaching conversation?