Coaching 101: Listen to Make Connections
Reflect on your listening habits so you can increase your effectiveness as a coach.
How do coaches listen?
Coaches listen to what is between and beyond the words. They focus on key themes, connections, emotions, or implications found in the speaker's words. When listening like a coach, you’re paying attention to the broader context of the speaker's words rather than getting caught up in unnecessary details. Coaches don’t get bogged down by a laundry list of complaints about someone’s coworkers, they hone in on the speaker’s concerns about team culture and a lack of connectedness. As they listen, coaches clear their minds, centering their focus entirely on the speaker.
Notice the Way You Listen
In today’s frenetic world, even the most skilled coaches lose their focus from time to time. When you think about the way you typically engage in conversations, what listening missteps do you notice yourself making?
Disengaging - You find yourself thinking about something else during the conversation and then have to reorient yourself when you realize your mind wandered off.
Problem Solving - When a speaker shares their challenge, you notice yourself thinking about solutions and how you would address the situation if you were in their position.
Conforming - Out of a genuine interest in building connection, you are tempted to bring up anecdotes or examples from your own experience that parallel what the speaker shares.
Intruding - Try as you might, you can’t seem to stop yourself from interrupting or finishing the other person’s sentences, offering them a word or phrase you think they were looking for.
Questioning - As the speaker shares their thoughts, your mind floods with questions and your curiosity gets the better of you. You skip past Pausing, Reflecting, and Framing - jumping straight to Inquiry.
Learn from Missteps
My mother had a poster in her classroom that said, “It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s the way we learn.” Failure is critical to growth in any area of your life. When we notice our mistakes, hold ourselves accountable for them, and endeavor to improve, we make tremendous strides forward. The same is true with coaching. Get to know the way you listen, and think about tendencies you might want to improve. Everyone struggles with listening at one point or another. What matters is what we do when we notice it. Noticing your natural tendencies is the first step toward improving them.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when you’ve noticed a misstep in your listening:
Know your listening habits.
For me, it’s conforming. If I’m not mindful about my listening, I’ll find myself thinking about a personal connection to the speaker’s story instead of focusing on their narrative. My desire to connect is an attempt to show I understand them, but this just brings my story into focus rather than keeping the spotlight on the speaker. Since I know that’s my inclination if I’m not mindful, whenever I start a coaching conversation I imagine I’m putting on a metaphorical “coaching hat” to shift my frame of mind. It may sound a bit corny, but it’s one strategy that helps me stay mindful.
Be patient with yourself.
If there’s one phrase I will repeat over and over again, it’s that coaching requires patience and practice. If you notice you’ve become disengaged, or lost in the speaker’s words once your mind returns, be transparent about it. This might sound something like, “I want to make sure I caught the last part of what you just said. Would you mind sharing it with me again?” It’s simple, honest, and recenters the conversation. If you find yourself thinking about solutions, remind yourself that coaches don’t solve problems. Coaches help people identify their own solutions, so let that problem-solving voice settle. If you find yourself feeling frustrated by your imperfections, this will only slow your growth. Find patience for yourself as you learn from your discoveries.
Recognize your listening strengths.
I’m certain you have strengths when you listen to others, so give yourself credit for what comes naturally to you. Maybe you’re a keen observer - noticing how physical cues communicate an unspoken message. Perhaps you are deeply empathic - easily picking up on another person’s emotions. It could be that you attune your tone and body language to match the needs of others, putting them at ease so they feel safe sharing their thoughts more openly. Whatever your strengths are, self-reflection is the key to your continued growth as a coach. As you begin to notice where you might improve your listening habits, remember to celebrate what you already do well.
Let’s Get Started!
Start by listening. Just listen. And then think about the way you listen to other people. It’s surprising how hard it can be to listen with intention. Listening is the most important skill for any coach to master - which is why it’s at the top of the list - so try to keep it front of mind over the next few weeks.
Takeaway Question:
Based on what you notice about your listening habits, what shifts might you make during your next coaching conversation?